Clinic Day

My heart is skipping beats, my stomach is churning and my spirit is matching the weather, grey, damp and dull.

Its clinic day again. These 4 weeks certainly fly by and its only been since the end of last August that my son was took off all his treatment  and chemo but it already feels a lifetime away.

I guess its at bit like childbirth, as time ticks on, the memories start to fade and the emotions start to heal. 
But clinic day feels like a painful scab being ripped off. 
The wounds open so easily and all the sadness is allowed to flow back in.

Don't get me wrong, the people in the clinic are lovely and its nice to see the little ones getting through their treatment. 
It's not the clinic I hate as what it represents.
I tend not to ask if any have been 'lost' because I get a newsletter and condolences are on the back page. 
15 children this month. Wow!

There seems to be more children on that page each time, does that mean more children are getting cancer or that less are living?
I don't know and I'm too afraid to ask.

Half a bottle of Chardonnay last night didn't quell my nerves, I'll have the other half tonight to celebrate another check up done.

I still wish my life away.....roll on 2 years (or 5 years) the success timeline changes with whoever you talk too. 
Roll on success and permanently turning our backs on clinic forever.


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