Quitting Smoking Diary - The Night Before

I am attacking my smoking habit with a vengeance.
Over the next few days I will be doing a diary in the hope I may help another smoker break away from the heinous habit. (Or I may frighten them so much they may never attempt to quit).
Sad but this is true - I know smokers that are so frightened of withdrawal they have never even tried to quit. 

But it is only as sad as the situation as a whole
 - I mean in the year 2012 why do we have a drug available in most everyday shops that offers no benefits whatsoever but causes cancer and other serious life threatening illnesses and death? 
Why wasn't it been banned when the link between smoking and cancer was discovered in the 1960's ? 
If it had been banned then I would never have had the chance of trying it as I was born in the 70's.
And believe me - If I had a time machine I would NEVER in a million years try it again.

When I say smoking offers no benefits, people look at me strange and say 'why do you do it then?' 
Because I'm addicted to it you idiots.

Anyway its the night before my first smoke free day and I am experiencing a range of emotions from fear and terror to tingly excitement.

I am frightened of craving for something I don't want - (sounds weird huh? I guess you're a non-smoker then)

Just to explain - your body and mind scream 'I want a fag' a screaming which gets louder and louder over time, and another part of your mind says 'Noooooo, don't do it...we want to quit, we hate being a smoker'

Such is the joy of smoking - your damned if you do and damned if you don't.

The excitement I feel is because of the fact that I don't feel smoking represents who I am anymore. Its my one shame. If I didn't smoke I would be very nearly perfect haha
When I smoke I feel like I'm a someone off the Jeremy Kyle show. 

It's below me. I am a strong capable woman who can and has coped with some of the most evillest shit life can throw at you yet I can't stop myself from lighting a fag. W.T.F

The problem is withdrawal from cigarettes feels something like ....fear & anxiety.

There is nothing around you to fear yet internally you're worried and uptight as if something is about to pounce. But its not.

And although the conscious can except that smoking put that feeling there in the first place the subconscious cannot. The subconscious has the job of keeping you safe therefore without understanding the cigarette put that feeling there in the first place it screams 'smoke a cigarette you will feel better.'
Which you will feel better if you smoke...but you keep putting it into your system until you can stop it or die.

What a choice!

Tonight I will have my last cigarette. 

Tomorrow I get my freedom, pride and self esteem back...You know, in one way I cant wait.....and in another ...oh shit



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