Suffering with 'too good' backlash

The last few weeks have been at best, a blur and at worst, very painful.
Any parent will tell you that its hard enough coping with your own emotions but when the children get sad, you feel really bad for them too.
Grief is a very personal emotion and as much as you try, you cant help anyone.

The funeral was yesterday and went very well.
The weather was cold and windy but no rain. The minister said most of the things we wanted him to say and the flowers were beautiful. 
I got a major case of the chuffty's as the cards I had had printed were extremely popular. 
The cards were printed with Mother in laws name and date of birth and death, but they are printed on paper embedded with flower seeds. 
The cards instruct you to bury them in sunlight (dodgy for England) and wildflowers will grow as a reminder of MIL. 
Soooo different and very sweet.
It was a day filled with so many lovely people coming up to me to say such nice things about MIL.
Sharing such a sad day with so many people is exhausting.

Today I am suffering with a major case of the 'been too good for too long' syndrome. 
I'm thinking of having the concept trademarked, hahaha.

I am tired....scrap that..........very very tired. tired to the point that I wondered today if it was too early to put my dressing gown on at 2.30pm.(I only stepped out of it at 11.30 am)
I am also very tired of being good and nice and friendly and of thinking of others all the time.
 

Lets face it the only reason people want to create the best funeral possible is to honour their loved ones. Its our final earthbound present to them. And that's OK I agree with it all whole heartedly. 
It is hard work organising it though. 
During difficult decisions I found myself thinking 'I'll ask MIL what she thinks' 'yeah durr brain you can't!!!' came my gentle loving mental response.

But, come on, isn't it tiring being nice and good? 
Somehow it doesn't feel natural, maybe I'm just a basically bad person, or maybe I've reached the anger part of grief which goes like this:
"bloody hell, haven't we suffered enough over the last 4 years....things were just starting to get good for us....why did you have to do this now.....couldn't you have waited and had some fun times with us......."

Ooopps now I evoked the guilty side of myself. Damn.



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