Quitting Smoking-the First Step?

The time had come again when I seriously began to think about my smoking.
Its strange because the urge to quit seems to creep up on you. I don't know whether its triggered by a cough, or when buying 
cigarettes and thinking about the waste of money or when standing in a crowd of other smokers and feeling like a complete leper compared to the rest of non-smoking society.

All of a sudden the nonsense of the whole smoking game smacks you in the face.
I am breathing in cancerous fumes via an ugly stick that I have paid a fortune for. I am standing in the freezing cold puffing wildly to enable me to have a 'hit' quickly enough that will stop the craving and allow me to go back inside. Whilst walking back inside I can't help thinking when will my next smoke be? or what length of peace will I have before another craving hits in again?
The cravings are so strong, it takes my concentration away from whatever I am doing or whoever I am talking to. 
It interrupts every part of my life, its so rude. If it were a human being I would have fallen out with it instantly. Its behaviour is totally unacceptable and not forgetting there's a high chance it will kill me directly or contribute to my early death.
Its taken away my peace of mind, my self esteem, my money and wont stop until its taken away my life. And for what ?
The ending of the aggravating craving that lives inside of me daily.

Cravings aren't what happen when you give up. 
Cravings are with you constantly. 
It's what makes me get ratty with the kids when the urge strikes and for whatever reason, I cant go outside and quench it. 
The fear of the cravings are what make me check, at least three times, that I have my cigs and a working lighter before I leave the house. The cravings are what makes any pleasurable event a nightmare until I've spotted the smoking area.

The whole addiction is a sharp and nasty thorn in my side.

I am so strong. I have seen my daughter through a so-called mental health problem and my son through cancer. 
Cigarettes didn't help me do that. In fact cigarettes were my only shame through the entire process.

How embarrassing to be a mother who is coping amazingly and fighting with her son all the way through his nightmare ordeal, only to let herself down by having to leave his side and go outside for a cigarette?
They are the only thing I have in my life, past and present that I am truly ashamed of.

And why do I continue? is it for the amazing high or the buzz? NO!!!
There is no high or buzz, its more like suffocation (if you've every tried to smoke a cig fast you'll know what I mean).
The only thing a cig does is enable the removal of that disgusting feeling of 'wanting' one, but please don't ever underestimate that 'feeling' because it is mighty powerful.

don't know why, but all of a sudden, I am getting very excited about the prospect of quitting forever, of being able to think "yes, I did it, I'm a non-smoker"

Am I fearful of giving up my little friend? 
I really don't see smoking as my friend, I don't see it as doing 'anything' for me except making me feel bad everyday, both physically and mentally. 

So, maybe this is what people mean when they talk about being ready? 




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