I've been floored

I have had an instance in the past week, that has completely floored me. 
It was such a simple thing, yet it left me reeling. 
I was asked recently by someone I haven't seen in a while 
"where was I working now?"
Such an innocent question, yet it deeply disturbed me, on so many levels.


I stuttered some silly reply about "I didn't want to tempt fate" with regards to my son - and its true! we have been taking tentative steps forward and each blood test does makes my stomach lurch and my heart skip. 
But that isn't the real reason and I knew it.
Why aren't I looking for work? Why don't I want to get back into life?
It's not as though we don't need the money - I earned as much, if not more, than my husband and we lived up to that wage bracket. 
It's not as though I wasn't succeeding in my various job roles - I was even being head hunted by numerous organisations at the time my son got cancer.
So what is it? 
The question has really puzzled me and the answer has not come quick or easily.


But the truth of my situation subsequently hit me -
I don't want 'it' anymore.
Sure, I still want (and need) money, but the 'killer, determined, ambitious' part of me has gone- there's a massive part of me, I've realised, has died.
The facade of society with all it's 'traps' shattered along the way, taking with it, my peace of mind and my understanding of life.
Is life about winning promotion at the expense of all other colleagues? 
Is life about getting and maintain more 'things'? 
Are we just to be job titles and positions of power within companies? 
NO!!!
'Things' mean nothing to me anymore - the 'things' we buy, are empty and their shine fades very quickly once purchased. 
Plastic job titles of power aren't real power because when you step out of work, your just you. 
Being head hunted empowered the ego but didn't empower my soul.
I don't want invisible badges of power from tiny companies - I don't want labels - "I'm this or that" - that's not who we really are anyway!
I want to be present when my family needs or wants me.I want to enjoy and 'feel' everyday life.
I have spent so much time over the years, looking for myself, stupid really, because I never realised I was already here! I was just always too busy to notice.
Life seems so false to me now. 
Interactions with each other are rarely deep or loving, everything is SO superficial - singers on reality shows say things like "this is my final chance to make it " and their all of 20 years old.
People talk about so-called 'dramas' in their lives and really, there aren't many real dramas there at all. 
People daily moan, whinge and scare each other constantly when there's nothing, normally, to be scared about.
I feel as though life and its illusions have shattered in front of my eyes, I cant join in anymore because I see through it all - 
Nothing matters except loving each other and truly being present and enjoying every millisecond of this existence.
People bemoan being bored - OMG boredom is great !! 
I get really overwhelmed and excited when I realise I'm bored - It means you have nothing really bad to worry about, the grime reaper isn't on your roof waiting to collect someone you love. 
Boredom is just a signal to do something, anything you want to. 
So, am I working at the minute? - No 
I am trying to work out what's happened to me? - Oh Yes! 
But loving every minute x

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