Physicians and Doctors effective communication

The amazing qualities and behaviours listed below have been exhibited by various consultants and doctors that I have observed over my many years, in situations not only concerning myself but also with other family members.
 I only hope that by my passing these observations on, that maybe in some small way, I will be benefiting the medical community as a whole.

1. Always be commanding – some might accuse you of seeming smug and bully’ish but you must make the patient listen (or quake) whichever behaviour you deem most effective...
Your word is law, you speak, people listen. You must also show off and be over confident when you have junior doctors or nurses with you

2. Practise and perfect a ‘distant, semi-disgusted look’ should a patient dare to ask you an awkward question or challenge you. A good technique for this is to try and recall a time when you’ve burped and a little bit of sick has entered your mouth – if you can do this, you will have embraced the required look.

3.You must learn how to ignore questions or comments that you do not like (or can’t actually answer) there are also various techniques for this including: you can pretend you didn’t hear the question at all or you can start writing some notes on the patients file to distract them and then simply continue what you were doing undisturbed.

4. When introducing yourself to a patient, say only “I’m the doctor” some particularly foolish patients may reply “are you a time lord then?” “Where’s your tardis” or “doctor who?” but just give them the ‘look’ as mentioned in point 2 and continue with what you were doing.

5. Always argue viciously if a patient reports a side effect to treatment that is not well documented in any of your medical books. The side effect MUST be in their head and therefore you must refer them in the first instant for psychotherapy.
Disregard any thoughts that “this could be a first”
You must simply ignore the patient’s pleas and class them as ‘deranged’.

6. You must decide on an age where you deem patients as not worth treating effectively. Possible suggestions are: late 60’s early 70’s. Also blatantly include your opinions to smokers, drinkers, fatties and mental health patients. You must not worry about showing these bias, as these patients are not worthy of your honourable time.

7. Never listen to family members. These people (especially mothers) feel that because they are with the patient 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and have some kind of strange intuition (again mothers.)
They feel their opinions should be taken into account. Always ignore these people because, after all, what do they know? For heavens sake, you have read many medical books.  

8. Compassion is for wimps (or junior doctors and interns) NEVER get caught up with caring about your patients outcomes. Do not under any circumstances relate them to your family members (your mum, your dad, your child) you simply must not care – it will ultimately upset you a little. Always think of the patient as faceless and unloved by anyone and devoid of personality.

9. With difficult or unusual patient’s illnesses, repeat statements over and over again, such as “we must follow the protocol”, “the guidelines say” “the procedures have been set out…”
Even if this means death to a patient. Its only one person and it’s a very small price to pay for being ‘right’.

10. Ultimately, always remember that you are a Demigod – a superhuman mortal sent by the gods to save the world (if you actually deem them worthy).
You are clever and everyone around you is grossly stupid! You are NEVER, ever wrong!
And should a patient actually had done some descent research and offered a clever alternative to your treatment schedule, you must fervently scoff at it and then (should it work) claim it as your own idea in the first place.

(P.S. I hope you realise I am being ironic and sarcastic and should any doctor read this: please do the opposite and you WILL change the world for a lot of your patients.) xx


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